Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
