i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Someone stole a lamp last night.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
