your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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