I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
