i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
