There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
