I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
This is not my ceiling
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
