I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
