New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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