Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
