I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
