This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
