I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
