i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize