but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
