Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
