My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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