you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
