His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
