I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
