when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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