she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I was not drunk enough for that final.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
