I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
