Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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