I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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