I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
