My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
