I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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