she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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