dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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