I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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