its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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