so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
