Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
