my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
