Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
