Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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