____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
pop tarts are not kleenex
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
