He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize