just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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