Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
