so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
