you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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