onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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