I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
