you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Pants are for mortals
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
