WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
