I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
