I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize