Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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