You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
