More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
