I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
