Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
then he tried to convert me to islam
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
