So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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