You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
