you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
