As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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