True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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