I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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