She went from zero to smokin in five shots
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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