Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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