Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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