I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Randomize
