Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
